December 31st, 2009
2000-2009: A Decade Undefined
So, we're on the cusp of a new decade. Hello, "10"s... goodbye, um... aughts? Aughties? Naughts? Naughties? There's a lot of debate on this one. Whatever gets the most play will land in Webster's. My bet is on, "The Decade Presented by Red Bull and Kanye West"® There's no way to properly sum up this decade in one adjective. It was just a whole mess of stuff... like jambalaya or Tara Reid's plastic surgeries.
Hard to believe it's been a decade since that whole Y2K hullaballoo. I remember when I was living back up north and everyone was going bug-nutty scrambling for batteries, ice, flashlights, not to mention firearms & ammunition to fend off the certain newly-sentient computer uprising.
I figured the best place to lay low for the new millennium would be my eventual home; Key West. As I cruised into KW at the tail end of '99, I listened to the local radio and they were not quite as concerned with the Y2K debacle. The reports said that there was still plenty of ice, batteries & essentials available as there was no looming concern. Gotta love the laid-back Keys! I think the only thing that would whip the Conch Republic into a frenzy would be a Prohibition-level booze shortage. You can bet the most Googled subject during that time would be "Bathtub Gin; How-To".
Dick Clark will be back tonight along with his eventual successor; Ryan Seacrest. New Year's Rockin' Eve is having a gradual sex-change. They're trading in a Dick for a walking vagina.
Was that too mean? Well... come and get me, Seacrest! I'm pretty sure a Muppet armed with a Nerf bat could take you down!
As 2010 approaches, I need to know.... Where's my damn flying car?! We were promised this concept from so many sci-fi flicks and over-enthusiastic, (and probably drunk), scientists. I complain, but the reality eventually sinks in. We are not responsible enough as a culture to navigate flying cars. Most people can't drive well on asphalt never mind at high altitudes. Nevermind the inherent danger involved and the logistical nightmare it would be maintaining your car so it doesn't stall in mid-air and plummet through the roof of a mini-mall. Besides that, home-owners would end up spending most of their time cleaning their gutters that are choked with cigarette butts and McDonald's wrappers from careless litterbug drivers. I guess we're better off without the flying car.
This decade saw the prevalence of the Blackberry and iPhone which assured people that they would never have to pay their full, undivided attention to any other carbon-based being ever again....
"Really? You have brain cancer? To you, as a human that's standing next to me in my direct line of sight, I'd have to say that sounds serious and I'd love to talk to you about it, but I'm texting my girlfriend and downloading the latest Jay-Z song. Maybe if you Twitter about it later on, I can respond more effectively."
This decade also brought us the LOL. I don't LOL. I don't ROTFL. I say FU to that nonsense. I hate the LOL because it just seems so damn insincere. If you're not going to actually "Laugh-Out-Loud" or "Roll-On-The Floor-Laughing" then it's just a blasted lie. If I go into the internet coffee shop, not a single person is laughing out loud or rolling on the floor. They're mostly just staring at their LCD screens dead-eyed. Latté in one hand and mouse in the other, thinking, "Why has nobody published my shitty novel yet?"
...or "WHNPMSNY".
I really can't encapsulate the whole decade in this one posting. With all the celeb deaths, celeb sex tapes, nipple slips, crotch flashes, who's hookin' up, who's comin' out, who's zoomin' who.... Hollywood's a lot to shoehorn into a nutshell.
One thing I'd like to suggest is to have Amy Winehouse battle Courtney Love to the death so we only have one train wreck to focus on.
And by the way, what the $#%@ is a Lady Gaga? I don't know what a Lady Gaga is, but I do know that I want to beat it repeatedly and savagely with a croquet mallet. This freak slipped under my radar this year and now she's all over the place. Just like Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy shirts, Ed Hardy bags, Ed Hardy booze.... After armageddon there's only going to a few things left. Roaches and rats and they will be sporting Ed Hardy T-shirts and listening to Lady Gaga on their tiny, filthy iPods.
Speaking of Armageddon, I suppose we're edging closer to that 2012 end-of-the-world deadline. Either the Mayans were correct and the end of their calendar equals Earth's expiration date, or they just got tired of numbering future days. Give 'em a break....they did thousands of years-worth of post-dating. Eventually it had to be Mayan Miller Time!
But, if Lady Gaga isn't a sure sign of the apocalypse, then it's got to be Twilight, (goddamn emo-tween glitter nightmare), KFC's "Double Down Sandwich" and Jimmy Dean's "Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick", (They're trying to assassinate us with food, however tantalizing it may be!!), The Snuggie, (A blanket you can wear? Maybe I'll don one for my next job interview!), Energy drinks mixed with booze, (I'd like to be drunk, but not so much in a lazy sort of way...), Jon & Kate + 8, Tiger Woods porking whores, Palin peculiarities, an ass-load of flavored vodkas, Lindsay Lohan, Balloon Boy, the Party Crashers, this frikkin' crummy economy, and so on...
As for me? I'll spend my New Year's Eve with my wife, a cigar, a glass of some sort of alcoholic libation, and a full view of the blue moon Key West New Year's frivolity. A brief respite tonight as 2010 is going to be mighty busy for me. For there are cartoons to be 'tooned, projects to get re-invested in, and an animation program to figure the hell out.
Have a great New Year, and enjoy the Twenty-Teens!*
* I mean the decade "Twenty-Teens". Not in the way you would have asked R. Kelly to enjoy twenty teens.
~Dan Schwab |
