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Schlock from the Rock


KEY WEST FUNNYBOOK: FALL 2014
(Totally serious this time...)



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May 5th, 2014
Buford's Beach Bunnies Feedback
(from the actors!)

This is rad...
Some time ago, actor Charley Rossman, (Superbad, CSI), e-mailed me to say this regarding my review of "Buford's Beach Bunnies, in which he played "Scud Blackplowman.":

Dan
My God man, I haven't laughed this hard in quite awhile. I just read your scathing review of BBB this morning, a friend sent me the link and it is truly genius. You really just put that one on the tee and smashed it, hilarious. Thanks again for the much needed laugh(s) and for your intelligence and wit, seriously great work.
Charley Rossman
Actor/Scud

So, that was pretty cool. Also, now I have softcore goddess, Monique Parent's (who played Amber Dexterous in BBB), endorsement.

Monique Parent Tweet

Love it.


Thanks, Charley & Monique!

For a refresher, check out the review by clicking on the lovely Monique:

October 30th, 2013
Hey, Halloweenies!

In case you're wondering, I did not win the Fantasy Fest poster contest. But, there is a whole nifty story regarding the contest that I will share at a later date.

For now, here's an illustrated Halloween tale I came up with about 17 years ago that I still wish I could get the time to expand on. There's only the one, comic book-length Halloween story to display right now, but I do have a Christmas issue I may finish someday. Maybe in installments right here on KeyToons.com.

Please excuse some of the pages not being in color. I'll get to them at some point.


Dr Dread

 


DR. DREAD

June 21st, 2013
Deadline Met...

Yowza! I finally finished up my Fantasy Fest poster entry for this year's theme: "Superheroes, Villains and Beyond." I figured this would be my last attempt at this because this is as much in my wheelhouse as any theme will get, (unless a future theme is "Cartoons, Comedy, & Candy.")
I wish I could have spent more time on it, but work got in the way and I was contracted to do the artwork for Schooner Wharf's "Battle of the Bars" again for the 6th year in a row.

A little info on the piece:
This took a remarkably long time to put together but, as this was a theme I was thoroughly invested in, it didn't seem quite as long. It was very tempting to just use a font in Adobe Illustrator or Photoshop for the lettering for "Fantasy Fest" and "Superheroes, Villains & Beyond", but I decided to just hand-draw it. It took frikkin' forEVER to get it right. And I'm still not 100% happy with it.

Also, the Southernmost House in the background took quite a bit of time, and I ended up obstructing most of it anyway.

In case you're curious, these Key West superheroes and villains DO have names.
Starting counter-clockwise from the lower left:

The Green Parrot
Captain Paradise
The Mighty Conch
Piratina
Madam Sunshine
Power Pride
Lady Hurricane (Real name: Ms. Wilma Flood)


Fantasy Fest Poster 2013

In the future, I might share some of the heroes & villains I had in mind that did not make it to the poster.

Maybe now I can work on the damned book....



August 2nd, 2012
Battle of the Bars

My fifth year doing the artwork for Schooner Wharf's "Battle of the Bars."
Schooner Wharf Battle of the Bars

June 10th, 2012
Jersey Reality Shows Reviewed: Part One

As a native Jerseyan, I decided to review 3 reality shows based in my home state. Mostly because I hate the fact that this is how we're represented... With bitchery and douchebaggery.

For this 3-part experiment, I've picked, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Jersey Couture, and Jersey Shore.

I've never actually seen a whole episode of any of these shows before, so I'm not looking forward to it. Once I watch them, I can't UN-watch them. And that's what frightens me. So many years in ignorant bliss– assuming these were awful shows, but having no concept of the severity of awfulness.

Hopefully the endeavor will be worth the ensuing years of nightmares.


REVIEW OF THE REAL

HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY

Late Night

May 27th, 2012
Whitney Reviewed... kinda.


Last week I said my next installment of, "Late Night Reviews" would be about the TV show "Whitney." I realized while I was writing the supposedly humorous piece, it became more about lashing out regarding what has been happening with my favorite show, "Community." Then, somehow, it turned into a rant about Whitney's anti-feminism themes and over-abundance of sex jokes. I think I just need a vacation.

After I realized what the article was turning into, I kinda lost some steam. I'd hate to waste all the effort I put into it, so feel free to read what I wrote before I cashed in my chips...

WHITNEY REVIEW


Late Night

May 19th, 2012
Buford's Beach Bunnies Took Longer to Review Than Film


I finally finished up the KeyToons "Late Night Review" of
Buford's Beach Bunnies
. Sorry it took so long.

My next review will be of the train wreck sitcom "Whitney."

Enjoy.

Late Night

March 27th, 2012
My Native American name is "Running Little Behind"


Looks like summer might be a more realistic date for publication of my "Key West Funnybook".

I've just been crazy busy with other art projects and stand-up comedy dates at the La Concha.

Damn my reckless optimism!



February 3rd, 2012
Your Schwabipedia answers!


schwabipedia

Many of you have taken advantage of my information services during
the Wiki blackout and I hope I did not disappoint...

Q: Has a sawfish ever historically built a house or anything of significance, or is
the reason they are endangered because they are just plain lazy...
Just sittin' around with a perfectly good saw on their face?


A: Actually, sawfish are incredibly adept at construction. The only problem is, well...

Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a fish to secure the proper building permits?
Just ask the hammerhead shark and the nail-gun squid.

Q: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?

A: The formula varies taking into consideration tongue coarseness and saliva production. There is no definitive answer.

If a cartoon owl tells you "three", slap that lying bastard. He just
takes two licks then bites the goddamn thing.

Q: How does one achieve self-actualization?

A: Self-actualization is achieved when you finally realize you are just about as stupid as everyone else.

Abraham Maslow peddled a bunch of horseshit.

Q: What exactly is the missing link?

A: The Missing Link is the fossil from the stage of evolution between two early primates that we have yet to find because God has hidden the bones he created 6000 years ago.

Q: Can a woodchuck really chuck all the wood it can?

A: No.... woodchucks, (also known as land-trouts), are surprisingly unmotivated. That is just some propaganda that the woodchuck advocacy groups would have you swallow. In the late 19th century, people were less inclined to take the pelts from industrious animals. Hence, that little tongue-twister was spread to keep the notoriously lazy woodchuck from going extinct.

Q: What is in scrapple?

A: A surprising amount of woodchuck meat.

It's originally a recipe from the Amish; a people that knew precisely just how non-industrious woodchucks are.

Q: Whatever happened to Don Johnson?

A: It's not terribly publicized yet, but he's been trying to market Crockett & Tubbs marital aids.

Naturally, "Tubbs" is bigger & darker, and "Crockett" is stubbled 'for her pleasure.'


January 18th, 2012
A Bright, White Light in the Blackout...


Since Wikipedia is down due to the SOPA protest blackout, feel free to
ask me anything on any subject. I should be able to give you the info you need. "Schwabipedia" is open! Submit your questions now at

dan@keytoons.com

January 4th, 2012
Coming Soon...


This is not necessarily going to be the book cover, but
just to give you an idea of what's to come.
This will be a compilation of 5 years worth of comic strips,
(new stuff that has not been in print or on my KeyToons website),
some humorous essays, fun with Photoshop, and weird lists with
accompanying illustrations.

Fingers crossed... Spring 2012, y'all.


November 10th, 2011
So Long, Bil.

‎89 year-old "Family Circus" creator Bil Keane passed away Tuesday. In honor of the fact that, despite his family-appeal comic strip, he had a cheekier sense of humor, I'm going to run this old strip I did with a friend of mine years ago for a college paper.

By the way, check out the lower right-hand corner. The strip ran exactly 18 years ago to the date of Keane's death. Weird.


Click to Enlarge


P.S. Also, "Ziggy" cartoonist Tom Wilson passed away 2 months ago. I didn't mention it because I kinda felt a little guilty about the "Ziggy 40th birthday" gags I did earlier this summer.

November 8th, 2011
Dark, Secret Tales of the Muppet Babies #3

Since we've all got Muppet fever for the Muppet Movie due out for Thanksgiving, I've decided to do a new installment of "The Dark, Secret Tales of the Muppet Babies"

Enjoy.


Click Here

November 6th, 2011
LiveJournaling Doesn't Pay


About six or seven years ago when MySpace was in its infancy and Facebook was not on anyone's radar, I was part of "LiveJournal." A social site that is only utilized nowadays by hipsters that think they're "too cool" for Facebook.

I didn't really use it as a blog. I used it humorously as a fictional struggling business employing weird fictional characters. I thought my LiveJournal page was lost to the ages, but I came across the old password and it was still there waiting for me.

I transferred the pertinent contents to my KeyToons site so you can check it out here
if you'd like.

Dan's LiveJournal

By the way, I did not qualify for the "Florida's Funniest Comedian" finals. I was sick as a dog and, quite frankly, even if I was healthy, there were comics there that were just plain better than me.
Thanks to all that were rooting for me. And to all that weren't rooting for me,
what the hell, guys?

 

P.S. The Buford's Beach Bunnies Review is almost done. Sorry it's taking so long...

October 22nd, 2011
The Fantasy and the Funny


Enjoy Fantasy Fest, folks! I would love to dig some of the fun this week, but I am busy concentrating on my stand-up material, as I am a semi-finalist for "Florida's Funniest Comedian" at Ft. Lauderdale's Improv on Wednesday the 26th.

On Saturday, depending how the contest turns out, you will see either a very happy or a very sad Dan on the News~Barometer Fantasy Fest float. Happy or sad... either way, I'll be drunk.


August 5th, 2011
Mack Puncherson


click to enlarge

July 1st, 2011
ZIGGY TURNS 40! (And I celebrate it tastelessly)

 

Ziggy has turned 40 years old and Tom Wilson II (Electric Boogaloo), is celebrating by having a caption contest. I was thinking about trying it out, but my entries got a little dark and so I decided I should just share them with you fine folks. Brace yourself, they get worse after the one below...

ziggy

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ZIGGY BIRTHDAY FUN!

May 26th, 2011
Little-Known Key West Fun Facts!


"Sloppy Joes' meat is comprised of 35% beef, 20% filler, and 45% tourists that have gone missing under sketchy circumstances.

It is a widely-held belief that it's good luck to rub your bare genitalia upon the Southernmost Point Buoy.

Toby Keith, when in town, can often be found sniffing the Southernmost Point Buoy.

Many of the homeless people on the Key West streets are actually magic genies in disguise. Do not hesitate to ask them for things like money and cars. You might just get lucky...

The real reason for Henry Flagler's Overseas Railroad was so he could expand his opium and sex-slave trade.

If you even SAY the words "cheeseburger" "paradise" " Margaritaville" "coconut" or "telegraph", Jimmy Buffett's lawyers WILL sue the @#$% out of you. (Weird footnote: that also includes the term, "nipple play". Nobody knows why...)

If you tip 50 bucks to the tour guide at The Hemingway House, he will show you the room that contains Hemingway's skeleton, devices from his sex-dungeon, and his unpublished novel, "Papa Likes Smooth-Chested Native Boys".

Also...

Manatee tastes delicious.

 

April 26th, 2011
Dark, Secret Tales of the Muppet Babies

It's really self explanatory. Check it out HERE.

 

P.S. I shall be updating the Buford's Beach Bunnies page on KeyToons Late Night very soon.

February 8th, 2011
Key West Mad Libs

Mad Libs
Click to Download a blank Mad Libs page for yourself!

 

January 23rd, 2011
Up All Night with Rhonda Shear... I mean KeyToons!

In my efforts to make this website more about humor and not just cartoons, I bring you the first installment (of the first installment) of KeyToons: Late Night Reviews. Every now and again, I'll review some cheesy B-movie, awful TV show, crummy literature, or Senate Appropriations Bill, (okay... probably not the last one...)

Click above to check out the first part of my review of the 1993 romp, "Buford's Beach Bunnies"

January 13th, 2011
T in yo' F

Tweet Face

‎"Tweets in yo' Face" on my KeyToons site is a collection of Twitter and Facebook posts I've come up with, (both drunk & sober), over the past few years. I kinda like them and I'd hate to see them disappear. As time goes on they get harder and harder to access while they sink deep into my social network archives. I hope you enjoy this best-of repository of my mindless blather...
Why "Tweets in yo' Face?" It was the only title I could come up with where I could use both the Twitter and Facebook logos. The title may change...

Click on the above logo to check it out.

November 29th, 2010
Waiting For Dr. Porter

A bit of artwork I did for the awesome and haunted bar, The Porch, located within the Porter Mansion at 429 Caroline St. in Key West.

Ghostbusters

Click to enlarge

 

Coconut Telegraph

 

 

 

Tropic Cinema

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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