Here's some info about my designing the official flag for Woodbridge Township when I was 14. Nobody knows about my first design which was just Heather Locklear in a bikini, covered in suds, washing a Corvette. There's a flag I would have saluted.

Note how I rated the other contest entries from "pretty good" to "amusing". What kind of smarmy bastard kid was I ???

The Mayor and I became pretty close after that. I was put on his advisory committee and one summer I single-handedly halted a sanitation workers' strike.

Okay.... none of that actually happened, but could you imagine?! I bumped into him on an elevator a few years later. He didn't know who the hell I was. I screamed, "I made this town, bitch!" Then I shoved my Cinnabon into his face. The cinnamon burned his eyes. It was great.

Sorry. Again, never happened, (aside from not knowing who the hell I was).

I will shove a Cinnabon in your face, Cerria!

Didn't anyone at least ask me to smile? Geez! You won a contest, ya doofus! Your design is now the official flag of your township! You look like you'd rather be at Applebee's!

A few years later, reminiscing about the brief time when I was somebody.

Much was resolved on this day.

Yes, and Don Schwab really appreciates your appreciation.

DON? *grumble* Am I officially Don Schwab now considering it was notarized with a seal and everything?

Ah.... that's Woodbridge for ya. Showing off its half-assery.